Lazy Sunday Post: Where Are You Coming From?

I make a lot of jokes on this blog about how small my audience is. So many in fact, I'm not sure what I'll do if I ever do develop any kind of audience. I'll be like a fat comedian who finally lost weight. (Sidebar: was that joke offensive? Doesn't matter, nobody reads these. SEE! I did it again!) Today though, I'd like to spend an entire Sunday evening breaking down that very small audience, because it confuses me. A lot.

For starters, did you know that my Crackpot Theory explaining Sharknado garnered 25 views, compared to the five and two views of the only other posts on this blog at the time. A 500% increase in readership over the course of a single post! I'm not statistician, but that sounds like a really big jump on paper.

Pictured: Not a statistician.

Weirder still, is that following that post, readership plummeted right back down, and did not exceed that view count until the recorded breaking Squirrel Survey Setup garnered 35 views. That post, as I mentioned earlier, was the first to be tweeted about upon its release, with a follow-up post on Facebook.

Now, I can track the amount of clicks the links I put up get, and the most clicked link I've ever posted (at time of writing) has... eleven clicks. That leaves fourteen page views completely unaccounted for on the last article. Also, there is a single person in Germany who clicks my links. I don't know who you are, but whoever you are, you sir/madam are a champion.

According to Bloggers stats page, most of my traffic is coming from google.com. That makes about as much sense to me as a female demographic does to Warner Brothers (Oh snap!), which leads me with one central question:

Everybody reading this right now, WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? Or to phrase that in less yell-y sort of way, exactly what led you to this blog? Specifically this entry? I know it's a total hassle, but if you could take two minutes to explain in the comments the chain of events that led you to here, it would be much appreciated. I also apologize in advance, as I'm sure you were expecting something a lot more interesting.

I'm just trying to get a sense of what's going on here, maybe figure out how to reach more people the same way I reached kind, handsome, and charming folks such as youself. And if you help me out by taking the time to write such a comment, I'll be sure to include a shoutout to you in my next YouTube video. By the way, I have a YouTube channel. Did you know? Go check it out, it's great. It also has extremely low viewership, for equal reasons I equally cannot explain.

But mark my words, this image will appear in a video. 

Lazy Sunday Post: ¡Soy Coconut!

Before I go any further, let me just say that it was way more of a hassle than it should have been to type out that title. I won't name any characters, but someone *cough* upside down exclamation point *cough* has a very stupid keyboard code that turns my current tab into a new tab.

So that happened. On with the actual point of this post.

As many of you may have notice, I am an extremely handsome shade of brown. For those of you who haven't noticed, take a minimum of ten minutes to admire the handsomeness of the below photo.

Awwwww yeah.

I know, right?

The beautiful shade you see before you is a result of my fiery Latin heritage. My mother was a full blooded Puerto Rican (Rican is a word, Blogger. Racist.) and my father was a Mexican more than anything else. Such a heritage came with great many things. Homemade tortillas on Sundays, eating a lot of tacos, knowing what a tostada actually is, and having someone yell ¡sientete! at you when you were a little kid.

One thing it did not end up coming with though, was the ability to actually speak Spanish. Early on in my childhood, I had a lot of visits from my mother's side of the family, and those people spoke Spanish like it was going out of style. Because of this, 'lil Phoenix didn't know the English words for rice and underwear until he was like, two.

From a childhood like that, you'd probably have guessed I was on the road to bilingualism. Unfortunately, I guess people just sort of stopped speaking Spanish around me, because eventually I stopped speaking it too. I also went on to lose the ability to name the make and model of any car I saw, and decided that blueberries were disgusting. I made some poor choices in my developing years.

And now, after all that Spanglish in childhood, and three years of Spanish in high school, I can declare myself to be a backpack, and family get togethers remain so much bargled (not a word but it is now) speech intermixed with the occasional use of the word "with."

And to put the icing on this coconut-y cake, Wings actually speaks better Spanish than I do.

Yo quero ser un hippopotoma.

That's it for this Sunday folks. Cheers.

Phoenix Creation Journal #6

Hello, one. I'd say "one and all", but the average view per post on this blog is still low enough that the word "all" feels a tad disingenuous (don't even get me started on how many times I misspelled that before giving up and cracking out spellcheck). As is the purpose of this segment, I am bringing out another Phoenix Creation journal to discuss what's what. An update of past, present, and future as it were.

And with the passage of Thanksgiving, it officially 'tis the season for all discussions of past present and future to be delivered exclusively by a trio of ghosts who resemble people in my life.

And in walked the ghost of PhoenixWings Past

I'll be the first to admit that for as long as this blog and my corresponding YouTube channel (Give it a look see,why don't you? If you like this blog, you'll like the channel, because it's more me!)have existed, they've been largely aimless. The sheer number of different tags on my blog articles, that declaration in entry #3 to start up a current events satire series, and the fact that multiple articles are in fact, effectively tagless (not a word according to spellcheck, but it is now), is a pretty clear indicator of what kind of net I've been casting (a massive, aimless, and also kind of lazy one full of holes).

It's also time for me to admit that I secretly had no earthly idea what kind of tone to pursue. I'm pretty sure there was a desire to be fun and witty, mixing in with my tendency to be a straight man comedian, hampered by the need to babysit the kind of boring, soulless stuff I regularly churned out in school alongside this kind of stuff. The result is something, admittedly, even I didn't really enjoy reading.

I honestly can't tell you if it's just because I'm a creative type who naturally hates all his older work or if it's a case of the stuff I wrote genuinely being really uninteresting. If I was a reasonable outside observer, I would probably come to the conclusion that it was likely a combination of the two, but I'm an emotionally invested nutter, so I'm going to say it's all my fault regardless.

A lot has changed for me since I started this kind of work. I've started university work, which wasn't nearly as much fun as everyone said it would be. I started listening to comedy podcasts in lieu of cable, which I no longer have, and the radio, which has been playing the "Wildest Dreams" so often for the last two months that I've seriously contemplated shiving my radio with a hunting knife. And I spend a lot more time with Wings now.

As circumstances and stimuli have changed, I've changed. Maybe to a significant enough degree that we can call this a regeneration, but maybe not. I'm not totally sure just yet. I'm sure I will be two regenerations down the line with the benefit of hindsight, but for now, meh.

Speaking of wavering tone, let's talk art styles! Specifically, the art style of the YouTube videos on my channel. I've tried creating simpler, easier to manipulate versions in Illustrator, but I'm not really a huge fan of the shape this creations take on. In one video, I experimented with a hand drawn, hand colored look, and while this experiment did lead to me adopting a background I was much happier with, I was pretty disappointed with the overall look in that video. I've also tried a combination, hand drawn and hand colored. It saves me a bit of time in the drawing phase, but not as much as Illustrator does.

Followed by the ghost of PhoenixWings present. (It has no face because I don't have three friends)

So where does all of that leave us now?

After all the mess that is the past, I've finally settled into a kind of groove. I know what I want to do, which I can say is pretty exciting in its own, completely monotonous way. As of right now, the most popular articles on this blog are easily Crackpot Theories (Sharknado Nazis and Squirrel Surveys, as some of you may recall), so obviously I intend to continue with more of those. The recent article on Squirrel Surveys is actually also a landmark as the first piece I ever tweeted about, but that's probably best left to another paragraph.

Nerdgasm articles, while not as popular, revolve around a subject matter that I have a lot of passion for, (And also some expertise maybe?) so they're not going anywhere anytime soon either. If anything, I'm probably going to start making more of those just to give myself something to do with my life once I inevitably run out of shows to binge watch. *again raises shield to deflect sea of recommendations*

The Lazy Sunday Post, then, shall remain as the new be all end all, in that it will be where all articles that don't fall under the two other tags go to die. I mean- well, no, I mean die. I didn't mistype. Nobody loves the Lazy Sunday Post. Not even me, and I write the damn things.

I mentioned Twitter earlier and now I'm going to mention it again: I have a Twitter. I got one mostly to reserve my name on it, but also because I knew that in theory it could in some way be useful. To date I've tweeted the releases of two pieces of content, a blog article and a YouTube video, with mixed results. The blog article saw record views, while the YouTube video, my longest to date, ...didn't. Didn't is the most gentle way to describe that. So I'm not really sure what allowed the article to get a boost but not the video. Maybe it was because the article tweet had a bizarre picture, maybe people just don't click strange links on Twitter. Who knows. Hopefully me, at some point.

But what about the video half of my internet... career? Can we call it a career? I'm not sure I want to, because then I think the government can start collecting taxes, and at this point, they'll just end up taking my desk.

Anyway, much like the Desk of 003 blog, my YouTube channel was started as this very nebulous thing that I could do stuff in. Which, while flexible, isn't the sort of thing most people are looking for in a channel. At least, it's not what I'd look for in a channel. I'm interested in subscribing to channels that regularly produce a specific niche of content, and I imagine that's the case with most other people. It's why some YouTubers actually create multiple channels, so that new content doesn't clash with the existing identity of a channel.

I'm happy to announce that much like the blog, I've reigned in the PhoenixAgent003 YouTube channel to a much more focused content stream, breaking it up into two distinct parts: PhoenixWings Shorts, and a headline series.

PhoenixWings Shorts will be quick, one to two minute videos that amount to a single joke or some kind of short video project that I manage to put a PhoenixWings spin on, and they'll essentially be about whatever. Two of them out now are pure, unabashed metahumor revolving around show art style and my Photoshop ineptitude. At this point in time, I have no plans to monetize any of these shorts, so as far as my control extends, there will be no ads on these videos.

The headline series will be an ongoing series I contribute to with as much frequency as I can handle. They'll be longer videos, closer to the four to six minute range. Currently, the headlining series is The PhoenixWings Guide to Heroics of the Super Variety, a show where each episode will give you a quick schooling on how to be a superhero. In the works are episodes to discuss secret identities, costume design, threat detection, and many more topics that I was too lazy to type out for fear of creating a run on sentence. Because I would love to put a roof over my head doing this, I will be monetizing these videos in some capacity or other.

While I'm on the subject of videos, I'll briefly touch again on the subject of art style that I mentioned in a past paragraph. After some internal deliberation, I've decided, for now, to go with the hand drawn, digitally colored look, which takes a bit longer to make, but looks way better in my opinion. If you'd like to read this paragraph the way it sounded in my head, click here.

And in walked the future.

All this talk of the current state of things is all well and good, but what about where the channel and blog are headed? What, exactly, are the current plans for the future?

The biggest goal, something I suspect to be an ongoing one, is to grow an audience. Currently, I believe I'm on the equivalent of a first name basis with all seven of my YouTube subscribers, and I can only assume the readership of a vast majority of my blog readership remains me, Wings, and my mother acting in secret. I'm not reaching anyone I couldn't reach by walking down the hall or dial a number in my phone, and I'd definitely like to change that moving forward. By that I mean reach more people, not less. Just to clarify.

Beyond that, things get much more specific.

First on the agenda, I want to start producing the headlining series faster. I know if I worked it, I could get a video out every two weeks easily, maybe even every week. Bottom line though, however it works out, I want my content to start coming out on a regular, predictable basis, or as close to it as I can get it.

Obviously, I expect The PhoenixWings Guide to Heroics of the Super Variety (or TPWGtHotSV
for all you acronym enthusiasts) to run for a while, but eventually a new headliner will need to step up. I'm thinking of doing a follow-up series where I do a cartoonish evil voice and tackle a whole set of issues for supervillains. I'll call in Xineohp's Guide to Evil Nerfairianism, and I'm actually really looking forward to doing some of those. I may even just alternate between TPWGtHotSV and XGtEN just to help keep my brain fresh.

I'd like to start another video series, a monthly one that just sort of serves as a quick update to comic canon for everyone who doesn't have the time to read comics but also doesn't want to feel outgunnned by that one comic book obsessed friend who spoils all the Marvel movies for them. Catching up without catching up, so to speak. I could easily write off like twenty bucks worth of comics on my tax forms if I started this series. I haven't decided what to call it yet, because "This Month in Comics" was taken. Unlike "I am Machingunsaur", which as we previously established, was all me.

I'm currently in the very nebulous stage of starting a podcast to go along with the blog and YouTube channel. Much like the blog and channel before it, it has yet to find any kind of focus or theme as of yet, but I'm hoping to do something in the way of ridiculous hypotheticals (Which according to spellcheck, isn't a word, but screw yourself spellcheck, I make the rules here!).

I've even kicked around the idea of doing some live action stuff. Getting a real desk, a white jacket, a REALLY big piece of lined paper, and just give it a red hot go. Mostly as a one off thing, just to give it a whirl? I really prefer drawing, and I like the more opportunities it affords for subtle visual humor.

Much like my YouTube videos, I'd like to focus on getting content out more regularly on the Desk of 003 blog, and maybe even giving the thing its own proper website at some point down the line. Blog articles don't take nearly as long to produce as videos, and they'd probably serve as nice breaks from all the drawing that goes into videos (even though the articles now also rely on drawings).

At some point, likely much further down the line, I would like to go ad-free on my YouTube videos, and the best way I can think to do that that allows me to retain the total, no strings attached creative independence I currently enjoy would be to adopt a crowd funding model. So at some point in the future, when I actually have an audience, I'll probably launch that.

Speaking of money, I also want to experiment with merchandise, once I figure out how all that shenanigans works. You know, find a way to mass produce products to sell, find a way to sell them, find a way to make that legal, all that jazz. Currently, there aren't any particularly popular or even recurring images in the show outside of mine and Wings' avatars, so I'll probably start by making replicas of the shirts our avatars wear.

Crackpot Theory: Squirrel Survey Setup

The other day, a friend of mine was walking on her squirrel ridden college campus (Incidentally, her university really chose the wrong mascot. Forget the bird, those squirrels are everywhere.)  and she came across a squirrel with a small tag attached to its ear, presumably the kind of tag attached to animals to monitor them for scientific purposes.

When she brought the tale of this squirrel to my attention, her chief curiosity was what people could possibly be studying the squirrels for. Which, to be fair, is curious enough. But in thinking about that question, I stumbled upon a largely and far more hilarious question: how did they get that tag on the squirrel?

Many of you are likely civilized folks with actual attention spans, and as such have never tried chasing a squirrel with the actual intention of catching it while walking around town. I am not a civilized person, and I have no attention span. In my defense, my cross country team had a rule that if you saw a squirrel during practice and caught it, you would be done for the day.

No one ever got the day off via squirrel, incidentally.

Squirrels are not easy to catch in a straight chase 'em down sort of way. Largely because before you can do that whole "run your prey to death" thing that humans are apparently capable of, squirrels will just scamper up a tree and laugh at your climbing incompetence. Stupid squirrels.

But really, if you needed to catch a squirrel, how would you do it? Maybe you'd use a tranquilizer dart gun. Probably the easiest, assuming that you're not a crap shot. But this is a college campus. These days, they're a bit jumpy about guns, weaponry, or anything remotely shaped like guns and weaponry.

An amusing theory we came up with initially was leaving a bowl of food out for the squirrels and spiking it with some sort of tranquilizer. Sure, you'd probably also tranq some poor sap looking to score a free meal, but it's just a tranquilizer. I'm sure they'll be fine after a few hours.

But then we came up with another idea, and idea so impossibly ridiculous, that it must be true.

It goes something like this.

You see, as much as they like to walk around grabbing table scraps off the ground or out of our hands, squirrels are still largely tree folk. Sooner or later, a squirrel will climb a tree. As a sidenote, I'm going to declare that today's indisputable fact and put it in very large, bold font for the world to behold.

"Sooner or later, a squirrel will climb a tree."

 The best way then, to catch a squirrel, my friend and I decided, would be to don an elaborate but comically low budget tree costume, stand very still in the middle of the squirrel infested campus, and wait for a squirrel to climb you.

Once a squirrel takes the bait, the next step is to simply yell "SURPRISE MOTHERF*CKER" as you grab them in a full bear hug and then forcibly attach the survey clip to its ear.

One can only imagine the psychological impact this would have on the subject squirrel, as for weeks after it can't bring itself to climb a tree out of fear and mistrust for the very foundations of truth it once believed the world operated on. It's other squirrel friends would try their best to rehabilitate him, but oh the work they would have for them.

JET: Come on Phil, you can do it. Climb the tree.

PHIL: NO! YOU DON'T KNOW MAN! YOU WEREN'T THERE!

JET: Phil, Phil! Take it easy. Here, look. I'll climb the tree first, and then you can follow.

*JET climbs the tree*

JET: See? It's harmless.

TREE: SURPRISE MOTHERF*CKER!

Crackpot Theory: The Secret Superpower of Video Game Characters

Not to vindicate the daywalkers, but I probably need to get out more. I say this because for the past few days, I have been completely unable to stop thinking about my newest mortal nemesis, a collective of unspeakable operatives whose agents have ascended quite literally to the highest points of society. An enemy I share with an idiotic robot and an anthropomorphic warrior panda. I am referring of course to:

Stairs.

For those of you who don't know, I recently moved from a quaint, one story house in the suburbs to a very tiny room on the fourth floor of a building which has no elevator. That means that several times a day, I am going up and down four flights of stairs. Any time that I want to get food, go to class, or grab my umbrella because I didn't look out my window or check the weather before going down stairs, walking out of the building, and getting drenched by rain, I will be dealing with stairs. And that's just at home.

Of all the classes I attended throughout the week, not a single one of them is on the ground floor of the building it is in. I often spend my weekends in a two story house. I am on stairs all of the time.

But when I have some free time not being taken up by stairs, I often take some time to sit down, relax, and whittle away my troubles on the old Xbox. I'm a bit of a shooter man myself, and quite recently, I've been sinking a lot of time into Destiny.

And I've noticed, because of the fundamental way first person shooter gameplay works and because of the way the environments are designed, my in game character constantly finds himself sprinting up and down stairs without looking at her feet. I don't know about all of you, but I can't walk up or down stairs without looking out my feet unless it's an unnaturally slow pace.

Try it next time you're on a flight of stairs, see how fast you can do it without falling on your face. Don't look at your feet the entire time, and for added challenge, mime firing a gun at a bunch of alien robots. Ignore the funny looks you'll get, in a few seconds they'll completely forget your bizarre behavior because they'll be too busy  asking you if you need a ride to the hospital for that head injury you just sustained.

I'm sure there are more unrealistic aspects of games, all of which have been parodied extensively online. Why can we carry five weapons at once? Where are we keeping all this ammo? How does heavy breathing allow an otherwise ordinary marine to recover from gunshot wounds in seconds? Is that shopkeeper really oblivious to me robbing him blind just because I put a bucket on his head? All hilarious, all valid, and all well trodden ground.

But I don't think anyone has ever dealt with the full ramifications of stair sprinting in first person shooters. So, to that end, here's a picture of Master Chief tripping down a flight of stairs.

Damn Covenaaaaaaaant!

3 Reasons to Vote Iron Man in Civil War

The upcoming release of Captain America: Civil War has got me thinking: what is Spider-Man's costume going to look like? But also, more importantly, it has allowed me to dive into a comic book-y hypothetical scenario where I try to imagine how fantastical elements of comic books would play out in our world and how we'd react to them. It's a way better time than it sounds.

And so, the premise of the film got me thinking, if the Superhuman Registration Act was something we as the people had to decide whether to put through or put down, what should we vote for?

My personal opinions aside, I can totally use this as an excuse to write multiple articles tying into the film, thus slapping a superhero banner onto my work in a shameless attempt to get more people to read this blog.

To that end, today we'll be looking at three reasons to vote for Iron Man's side of the Civil War conflict. At some point in the future, I'll do a mirror article arguing for Cap's side of the issue. So, without further ado, let's dive in!

1. It'll keep people safe.

Let's talk about one of the big reasons for putting Registration on the table to begin with: keeping people safe. It's time to face facts. Superhumans are dangerous. The first time Thor ever showed up, his sibling rivalry pretty much leveled a small town. Iron Man has made literally all of his own villains. Hulk. I'm not even going to elaborate with that one. Just... Hulk. Superhumans can't just operate with impunity, doing whatever they want and answering to no one. 

Without anyone to answer to, superheroes have caused some major, major problems. Problems that got innocent people traumatized, maimed, and killed. Granted, Ultron apologized for lopping that guy's arm off, but I doubt "sorry" works the same way stem cells do.

So how do we make superheroes safer? By giving them oversight, and someone to answer to. So the next time Thor wants to start something, there can be a better solution than "make him New Mexico's problem." Looking at you, Odin. Or hey, the next time Tony and Bruce disappear into a lab for two days, someone from IA can pop in to say, "Hey, you guys aren't trying to make an artificial intelligence, are you?"

It's not just about keeping the general public safe either. It's about all the Aunt May's and Jane Fosters of the world too.

In The Avengers, when things start to hit the fan, SHIELD has Thor's girlfriend moved to a nice, comfortable job somewhere far away from any potential danger. That's the kind of protection everyone close to a superhero needs.

Imagine The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (sorry for making you do that, just bear with me), but this time Peter Parker is a registered superhuman government agent. The second Electro starts talking about how much he hates Spider-Man, Gwen and Aunt May are both getting a call from SHIELD, or the CIA, or the NYPD, or whoever Spider-Man works for, along the lines of, "Hey, there's a super villain with a vendetta against your boyfriend/nephew. We're moving you somewhere safe while we sort this out."

Boom. Gwen lives, Electro beaten, Green Goblin beaten, Spidey goes on to Spidey another day without having to take two months to angst all over the cemetery.

On top of that, it could cut down on the number of supervillains in the world. Plenty of supervillains are motivated by money. They need the dollar dollar bills, either for their sick relative, their sick selves, or just because they like to buy stuff. Rather than them turning to a life of crime, why not register them as government operatives, have them use their powers for good, give them a salary (it's a government salary, so it's not great, but it's something), and give them benefits (which are great with government jobs) like insurance for that sick relative.

Sandman, on the run, stumbles into the Make a Sandman Project (seriously, were those scientist trying to make a supervillain? Because that's the only possible explanation I have for that experiment.) and gets mutated into a Sandman. Realizing he now has super powers, and knowing that The Superhuman Registration Act provides amnesty for criminals, he signs up, gets his past forgiven, and gets the money to take care of his daughter. Boom, no Sandman, no cops punched by a giant sand fist, nobody backs up Venom in the final fight. Spider-Man can probably take him. Problem solved, day saved.

2. It could help the economy.

It's a fairly well agreed upon point that a good way to help an economy is to boost the number of jobs there are. Should you disagree, that an entirely different article on an entirely different blog. Today, I'm just running on my six months of macroeconomic education and say that jobs are healthy for the economy.

Right off the bat, Superhuman Registration creates a job for every superhero and supervillain looking to reform, which is pretty great. Peter Parker can get an actual job instead of unstable work as a freelancer for a dying media. Ant-Man never needs to break into a place and steal stuff again.Unless, you know, his job that day is to break into a place and steal stuff. Yeah, Steve Rogers won't be able to afford a place in Brooklyn, but who can these days?

So everyone with superpowers has a job. That's great. But jobs don't stop there. You can set up an entire infrastructure around the Superhuman Registration Act. Just out of the gate we've got all sorts of temporary construction jobs to construct or renovate facilities for Registered Superhumans to operate out of. But then there's all sorts of new, permanent jobs dedicated to help make sure the new operation runs smoothly. Clerical work. IT guys. Volunteers. Psychiatric staff. Internships. Security details. HR departments. The whole shebang!

And think about this: every super villain who registers and goes to work for the government is more than just one more working citizen stimulating the economy by spending their salary. Every register villain is also one less person taking up millions of taxpayer dollars serving life in super maximum security prison.

It's like printing our own registered superhuman money!

3. It shows we still believe in America.

You know, it says something about the way things are if we would rather have our protectors be bands of super powered renegades acting with unregulated impunity than people who's job with the government is to keep us safe.

Think about it. If we cave in to Captain America's misguided freedom talk, what we're really saying is we want to people who protect us to be free to act however they see fit, outside the system because the system is broken. If we go down that road, if we give up hope in that system, we give up hope in America.

Afterall, once we lose faith in the system, what reason do we have to follow it's rules? What reason is there to be beholden to it? If we give up the laws, regulation, and oversight that give us order, we give up everything.

Well, we're not ready to stop believing in America, Cap. We still believe that these great United States and the people who work under its employ can keep us safe from threats foreign and domestic. It's not a perfect world, but it's the one we've got, and I'd rather work to make what we have work than give up on our dream.

Register your Superhuman powers, and God Bless America!

Lazy Sunday Post: My Hero(es)

Before anyone guesses, no, this is not about the show Heroes, or the fact that it's apparently coming back. I never saw that, and word on the street is that's a bullet dodged on my part. And while we're on the subject of dodging bullets, let's talk about people who can never die, because, hey, I choose to go by an alias which directly invokes a mythological immortal fire bird, so that's probably in my wheelhouse, right?

Last post, I mentioned that Jon Stewart was my hero, and probably the most single most inspirational man I have ever seen on television. And in the general race, he's pretty dang high too. Not in the pot way, but in the... you know what I mean!

Anyway, I just thought I'd include a list of all of my heroes both real world and fictional and a brief explanation of why they're on the list.

Jon Stewart- In a world of shoddy news media, government corruption, and whatever the hell Fox News is, he was like a colonist from Planet Sensible who absolutely refused to stop reminding the residents of Bullshit Mountain what the mountain they chose to live on was named. Four nights a week for 16 years. Love this guy.

The Doctor- My journey with Doctor who is a bit of a wibbly-wobbly, timey wimey one, so I'll spare you the details of why he's my hero and instead sum it up with the sentiment expressed by Stephen Moffat. He doesn't have laser vision or super strength. He has an extra heart. He doesn't have a tank or a sports car or some kind of jet. He has a box that was designed to let people call for help.

Batman- Oh, Batman. Where to start with Batman. I suppose for starters, I could say the sheer badassery of a mortal man protecting his home from evil, and standing side by side with virtual gods among men is just chill inducing. I could say I sympathize and even empathize with a desire to protect not because you know you're wanted but because you know you're needed. Wherever I started, I would end by gathering all the Batman-haters of the world and displaying to them my officially unofficial Bat-Finger.

Captain America- I once made the distinction to someone that I am Batman but I wish I was the Doctor. Captain America is an entirely different beast. If I could somehow pick the person my children would choose as their role model, I would pick Captain America, hands down.

Mr. P- For the sake of his privacy I won't divulge his full name, but my high school economics/government/psychology teacher/track and cross country coach was one of the most motivational and inspirational figures in my life. He is exactly the kind of teacher I would want to become, and I can't thank him enough for everything he's done in my life. Cheers to you, P.

Mom- Oh shut up. I feel like I shouldn't even have to explain this one, I feel like the name says it all. And quite frankly, it does. She is undoubtedly one of my heroes and if you heard her story she would be one of yours too. And actually, I'm going to close with that. Cheers, everybody.