Crackpot Theory: The Secret Superpower of Video Game Characters

Not to vindicate the daywalkers, but I probably need to get out more. I say this because for the past few days, I have been completely unable to stop thinking about my newest mortal nemesis, a collective of unspeakable operatives whose agents have ascended quite literally to the highest points of society. An enemy I share with an idiotic robot and an anthropomorphic warrior panda. I am referring of course to:

Stairs.

For those of you who don't know, I recently moved from a quaint, one story house in the suburbs to a very tiny room on the fourth floor of a building which has no elevator. That means that several times a day, I am going up and down four flights of stairs. Any time that I want to get food, go to class, or grab my umbrella because I didn't look out my window or check the weather before going down stairs, walking out of the building, and getting drenched by rain, I will be dealing with stairs. And that's just at home.

Of all the classes I attended throughout the week, not a single one of them is on the ground floor of the building it is in. I often spend my weekends in a two story house. I am on stairs all of the time.

But when I have some free time not being taken up by stairs, I often take some time to sit down, relax, and whittle away my troubles on the old Xbox. I'm a bit of a shooter man myself, and quite recently, I've been sinking a lot of time into Destiny.

And I've noticed, because of the fundamental way first person shooter gameplay works and because of the way the environments are designed, my in game character constantly finds himself sprinting up and down stairs without looking at her feet. I don't know about all of you, but I can't walk up or down stairs without looking out my feet unless it's an unnaturally slow pace.

Try it next time you're on a flight of stairs, see how fast you can do it without falling on your face. Don't look at your feet the entire time, and for added challenge, mime firing a gun at a bunch of alien robots. Ignore the funny looks you'll get, in a few seconds they'll completely forget your bizarre behavior because they'll be too busy  asking you if you need a ride to the hospital for that head injury you just sustained.

I'm sure there are more unrealistic aspects of games, all of which have been parodied extensively online. Why can we carry five weapons at once? Where are we keeping all this ammo? How does heavy breathing allow an otherwise ordinary marine to recover from gunshot wounds in seconds? Is that shopkeeper really oblivious to me robbing him blind just because I put a bucket on his head? All hilarious, all valid, and all well trodden ground.

But I don't think anyone has ever dealt with the full ramifications of stair sprinting in first person shooters. So, to that end, here's a picture of Master Chief tripping down a flight of stairs.

Damn Covenaaaaaaaant!